The Secret to internal Peace

How many times have you contemplated the secrets of inner happiness and peace? Do you sometimes find that it appears so easy for others while it is so difficult for you?

The key to change is to start with you. So, take a look at yourself in the mirror and commit to making this world a better place by starting with the person who stares back at you in your mirror. Can you take the scrutiny?

One of my favorite songs by Michael Jackson, "Man in the Mirror" states so eloquently that, "if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change."

Michael suggests that the key is to start with you; the answer is not somewhere lurking in the endless universe, it is you.

The miracles that we look for are there because they are the Inner You. You possess the key to richness and happiness, but sometimes the external trappings of the world and those close around, set up barriers that obscure common sense. All you had to do is to go inside yourself to find that miracle. Are you ready to experience that sense of peace?

THE ESSENCE OF ME

Many women make the mistake of believing that because they were born female, they automatically know what makes a real woman. They perform the duties that go into making a home run smoothly, by raising the children, holding down full time jobs, and at the end of the day many still have to find the time and energy to be a playmate to their partners. But deep in their minds, they wonder, what it really means to be a woman.

Females go through an identity search in each decade of their lives. Based on age, life styles and self-awareness many may think they already have the answer. They look to their partners, their fathers, their brothers and their friends in search of themselves or as they try to reach some unidentifiable goal and silently wonder if they have the right or the liberty to even ponder....what it really means to be a woman. So, they just tuck their fears, insecurities, unclaimed dreams, and desires deep inside and go into the world pretending that all is well. Can anyone really see beneath the mask and see the real woman? Where is she? Who is this real woman?

Men, throughout the annals of time, have devoted much time and contemplation defining womanhood and it was not until recent times, that women have started to address these same issues. All of the various institutions that form our socialization system (church, family, marriage, politics, etc.) help to define women’s roles and identities. The problem with this is that sometimes these definitions are incongruent with what women feel and experience. This incongruence causes imbalance in the psyches of many women, creating all manner of dysfunctions within them that are naked to the visible eye. Armed with dreams and desires formed by their peers, parents, the media and all the information that comes in through all of their senses, females form relationships with faulty belief systems that are based on these imbalances and life expectations.

Many men never find out what it means to be a man but they pretend that they do. When they interact with other men, they join them in the persecution of those men who do openly admit or show that they don’t have a clue about what it means to be a man.

Many men feel that they must prove their manhood by demonstrating control over their partners and sometimes this equates to violence, manipulations and psychological imbalances in many men. They often ridicule those men who openly show their insecurities as men, and they are often called “sissies, etc.” Men are traditionally socialized to expect to hold down a full-time job and take care of the financial and emotional needs of their families. Traditionally married women can work, if they choose to; due to the economic situations in modern times, many women no longer have choices about their work. They have to work in order to help support the needs of the family. Men are socialized to believe that they must work and many base their masculinity on their abilities to take care of their families. Additionally, men are expected to find it within themselves to show kindness and sensitivity while shielding their family from the adversities of the world. Still, many wonder, is what it means to be a man?

Modern society expects men to get in touch with their feminine side and many men now maintain that it confuses and infuriates them when they hear women say, “Where have all the good strong men gone?” So, many men walk around confused and lost trying to find out what it really means to be a good man.

FRIENDSHIP

I feel very strongly about female friendships but sometimes I am somewhat mystified with the dynamics they display. I have done some research on this topic but have found nothing that speaks to what I want to discuss. I have come to the conclusion that research will not do justice to the experiences that I have had, therefore, my own experiences and observations will qualify me as my own expert on this topic.

I have always taken friendship very seriously; so seriously, in fact, that I am very careful about whom I allow into my personal space to occupy this special title. When I reflect upon childhood experiences, I can’t recall really having a friend that met the definition of what I come to believe epitomizes friendship. I never understood why anyone would come into my life space and pretend to like me and then turn around and stab me in back. Because of this, I have historically held people at bay until I really trusted their intentions. I don’t really experience a lot of disappointments in that arena, but I don’t also have a lot of people that I can call friends.

I can think of more bad experiences than I can positive. But, given my self time to rethink these relationships as I start to understand myself more, I am changing my mind about the whole concept. Perhaps I idolized the concept too much and did not give the individual the privilege of being human with her own issues and challenges. When I was not able to set my own limits, to understand my own self, or even to know what I wanted, I found myself putting too much responsibility in the trust department on the other person. It never dawned on me that the individual was not capable of nurturing the trust of others because of her own distrust.

We advise young women to get to know a man before making a commitment, but we do not offer the same advice when considering female friendships. In reality, women can be as vindictive, manipulative and hurtful as any man can be in an unhealthy relationship.

There are those that you don’t have to work hard to love and trust, but those are the ones who pursued me as a friend and not vice versa. I am friendly and kind to most that I meet, but I don’t open up and allow many into my personal space. I can remember very vividly that the two lifelong female friends that I have, came to me and made a formal statement of their desires to be my friend. Each time, it surprised me because I wasn’t used to even thinking that I was worthy of friendship because of my past experiences with attempts to make friends.

Intuitively, I believe that I understand male friendships much better than females because it is usually very clear what they want; sex, money or control. However, I have experienced some very dear friends with males who were caring, and supportive, complimentary and nurturing. Males have a different energy and it is easier to converse with them and not get so heavily involved with their issues and vice versa. I do really well with male friendships until it morphs into something personal and then everything falls apart. This will be dealt with in writing about personal relationships and romance.

I know there aren’t any true guidelines to friendship, because it means different things to different people, but I have found the following five ground rules to be helpful to me. A good friend will score at least a 3 out of 5 and a genuine friend will score no less than 5 out of 5.

Self-Sacrifice. This is the willingness to help you even though it might be a burden, pain, or risk for themselves. You may do everything to help her out, but if and when you need help, would she give you back the same level of help that you extended to her? If the answer is “no,” then be careful. This is self-explanatory. I don’t usually ask my friends to sacrifice themselves or any of their resources for me. I am usually the one who will go out of my way to be of service to someone else. That is my choice, but if I don’t want to do it, I won’t. I do believe that if I asked anything of the people that I have accepted into my inner circle, it would not be a problem for them to assist me in any way that they could because they know that I would not ask if it weren’t absolutely necessary and I feel the same about them.

Genuine Time-Sharing. This is an important test of the true synergy in a friendship. Ask yourself, when you spend time together, are you spending time just to enjoy each other’s company and companionship in connected synergy with no other strings attached? …or do you find that you only spend time together when your “friend” needs help or something from you? If the answer is the latter, then be careful—this is a sign of a manipulator.

The four people that I have identified as my life long friends did provide me with genuine time sharing at one point in our friendship, but I am no longer in the same location, so we communicate via email or telephone. Those people, who profess to be my friends of late, only come to me when they are interested in knowing something to talk about or want something from me. I recognize this and have no problems in saying, “No.” Of course, I have the reputation of being mean, direct, etc. But that does not bother me. I refuse to waste energy on any type of relationship that does not meet any of my needs.

Honesty. This again is another big one on the list because it signifies the level of interpersonal connectedness of the relationship. A true friend will tell you personal things, with complete trust that you will not use it against them later on. Also a true friend will not keep information from you even though it is something that you might not want to hear or that might hurt you, if they felt it was the right thing to do. I have been in the position to tell one of my trusted friends a truth that I observed but it was not in a negative sense. We talked just last week and she shared with me that she never forgot the wisdom in what I told her. I was very moved by that statement.

My journey from poverty to where I am now provided me with many critics who were very happy to tell me about my faults, my mistakes, etc. In fact, my family is and has always been my greatest critics. I am not so sure that their evaluations of me were meant for my good because it seemed to me that they did not take in consideration that I was a “project in progress” God was and still is working in my life. These people don’t know me, and they base their evaluations on what they think they see, or on behavior that I exhibited when I was very young and unlearned. It’s their loss, not mine.

In view of these past negative experiences, I don’t know if I am completely honest with my friends because I don’t tell them things that can be used against me. I only share negative things about me or my life after I have worked through the challenge. This habit was honed by years of isolation that I felt as I worked my way out of the oppressions of poverty. During this long journey, I often felt there was no one around to share my innermost feelings with; partly because I didn’t know how to verbalize them. I look back upon the years now and realize that I did have friends, but I was too clouded by my own internal demons to recognize them. I feel very blessed to have maintained the four dynamic people who have stuck with me through the years.

Interest. How interested is the other person about your life? If you are doing something important, do they call and follow up with you? If they don’t seem interested about you or your life at all, then be careful. The deeper the friendship, the better the questions they will ask of you. Real friends will want to know how you are emotionally and physically, how you are doing professionally, how your heart is doing, and they seem to dig a little deeper than the superficial “elevator talk” that usually just consists of how your day is going and what’s new. I find this ironic because I still have the two female friends that I have known ten years plus that don’t even live in my area that keep up with me and provide support and interest in all that I do.

I have one male friend that I have known over thirty years that keeps in touch with me about every three months. I have observed that each time there is a major change in my life, he calls me. He provides a good yardstick to my life because I met him during a very “down time” in my life. When we talk, we talk about old times and where we were in our lives at that time. Of course, we don’t get as detailed and personal as I do with my female friends, but he provides that male energy that keeps me feeling desired and sexy even though I haven’t seen him in over fifteen years. He has the power to make me feel desirable over the phone.

I have another male friend that I worked with before I retired. He is a young man and I have enjoyed all of the benefits of his friendship as if he were my son. Now that I no longer work with him, he calls me weekly to check on me and to let me know that if I need anything, just call him. I don’t have any female friends that I have met lately that do that.

Integrity. This is the ability to keep your word and do as you say you will. I’ve noticed that with fake friends, their integrity level is not so high. If they say they will call you tomorrow and don’t, then that is a lack of integrity. If they say they will do something and either forget or use the more infamous “I’m too busy today,” line then they lack integrity. There is only so much can be done on any given day and it just comes down to proper planning and knowing where your priorities are. When I hear someone tell me that they are too busy or that they forgot to call, then I what I really hear instead, is that I am not as important as other things in their life right now, so that is a red-flag to me that they are not a true friend because their level of integrity is poor. Hold people accountable for their words because when it boils down to trust—your word is your bond.

These are things that I find admirable and desired qualities in my friends. I strive hard to exemplify those same qualities for them. It takes a lot of energy to be a good friend; it is an investment in time and spiritual energy. It is very fruitless to waste time on those people who do not meet the basic of what you want in a friend. This goes for both men and women and there must no be any exceptions in these qualities. Follow your intuition because if you invest in the wrong spirit, you will lose a piece of yourself and it does take some time and energy to get it back.

The most important thing to keep in mind is to keep God at the forefront and be prayerful.

Click here to check out
The PEACE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM!

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Life after Retirement

I have been retired now for about two weeks and I am just now starting to understand what that means to me. I, at first, launched into a frenzy of little household projects that I never had a chance to tackle when I was working. My health did not permit me to do too many things and that meant that I had to pace myself. When I developed back problems, I couldn’t do a lot of physical things, so I had to depend on someone else to help me. This dependence has never been anything that I handled well because usually there was no one around to do so. My mentally challenged son has so many issues of his own until he never can handle a schedule that has enough time for even him. (I won’t go into any details on this because if you have been following my postings, then you already know about this.) Often eliciting the help of others involved listening to their well meaning advice about components of my life that I didn’t want to share.

For the first two weeks or so, I found long delayed things to do around the house, and with much satisfaction, I did them. But, as fate would have it, I got sick with a severe sinus infection that rendered me listless and unable to do physical things. I took to watching television, but do you know that there isn’t anything to watch when you watch it everyday? Boring! I have tried getting back into my play productions, but didn’t have either the energy or interest in doing that because it meant that I had to interact with others and I just wasn’t up to that.

I have always liked to read so I paid a visit to the local library and a whole new world opened up to me. I did this with in trepidation because a while ago, my memory was so challenged that I could not remember what I read from one paragraph to the next. In fact, when I was working, my challenged memory caused me to get written up by my supervisor. I was so fearful that I was falling apart and I couldn’t wait to retire before I lost it completely. But now that I am not in the psychologically draining environment anymore, my memory is intact and Stephen King and Koontz were, temporarily, my new best friends. I stayed up night and day reading their tales of adventure and mystery but deep inside me, I felt this need to do something else, so I started looking for spiritual and inspirational materials. I was lead to a wonderful little book by Paula D’Arcy entitled, "Gift of the Red Bird, A Spiritual Encounter." What she had to say was an affirmation for me because her truths were those that I spoke of in my book, “Peace in the Midst of the Storm.” This book was a journal of her spiritual quest in the Wilderness in Texas.

I feel that I am on a spiritual quest presently even though my adventures have not taken me yet, to the mountains to fast and commune with God. I do, however, have a lot of time to reflect upon my life and to re-invent myself and to seek the true purpose that God wants for my life. I am not plagued with the demands of a job, co-workers on my time and energies, so I have the time to reflect upon my mistakes, and how I have tried to take my spiritual life and create it into what I thought God wanted.

Sometime ago, I reached an oneness with God because I was backed into a place where I could not go forwards or backwards and I had to be still and look to God for guidance. Once I passed that point, I slowly crept back into my easy reality. Deep inside, I know how to get at the essence of who I am because I have had to do it over and over again, but repeatedly, I would lose focus because I allowed myself to be defined by those around me professed to need me. Often this took so much of my time and energy that I gave in to it because it was easier than me holding out for what I really want to do.

Basically, I really am not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. This reinvention of the self is a life long process. Each milestone in your journey reveals a different truth and these truths have to be continually upgraded because life does not stand still.

I feel that I should know what my life holds for me, but in actuality, I don’t. I don’t feel bad about this because I haven’t allowed myself the time to consult God in my latter years. So this retirement is allowing me time to seek God’s purpose in my life. I don’t want to be caught up in doing good things that may not even please God. I am learning how to be still and to wait on God’s guidance. This is not easy for me because I like being in control of my life, my surroundings and my destiny even though my personal history has shown me that I haven’t always done a good job at it.

I believe that the best days are ahead for me and I am learning to be patient and to wait. One of the great lessons that I am learning; not to share my innermost thoughts with everyone; there are so many psychic vampires and arm chair therapists out there, and to open up to many of them is to just give yourself away. Unfortunately, nothing comes back to you but confusion and doubt. God is not the author of those emotions, so my journey continues, but this time, it is within me.

LIVING WITH AN ADULT ADHD

In this blog, I found it necessary to provide information on ADHD and how the African American Community views mental health issues. I start with an explanation of ADHD because that is the one that I am most connecting to because of my adult son.

The purpose of this blog is to provide information to engender understanding.

Living with ADHD as an Adult
From Keath Low

ADHD is not just a childhood disorder. It is estimated that between 30 and 70 percent of children with ADHD continue to exhibit symptoms into adulthood. Often times, the hyperactive behaviors common with children decrease with age, but symptoms of restlessness, distractibility, and inattention continue. Many adults who were never diagnosed as a child, struggle to understand why they cannot organize themselves and keep on task with careers. They have difficulty keeping appointments and are often late because of time management issues. Projects may get started, but often so many are going at once that none ever get finished. It may be hard to fall asleep and get needed rest.

Adults with ADHD may face negative attitudes about their supposed laziness, poor motivation, carelessness, and their self-esteem plummets. Long term relationships may be hard to maintain. Feelings of shame, isolation, and depression may run rampant.
Other adults, though they must work hard to adapt, find good career matches to fit with their ADHD symptoms. Their ADHD characteristics, so troublesome in school and at home in childhood, are actually great assets as an adult. They are adventurous, creative, think big, have lots of energy, etc.

Click on Celebrating ADHD to learn more about the gifts of ADHD.

http://www.mhagstl.org/OM-AfroAmStigma.htm, downloaded on January 15, 2008

There are many stigmas surrounding the treatment of mental illness in the African-American community. This is good reason to proceed with caution. An already heightened sense of powerlessness may be compounded by feelings of helplessness brought on by emotional problems or mood swings. Coming to grips with one’s inability to have control over the problem may only help to remind them that, yet again, they have been rendered powerless by circumstances beyond their control.

The stigma of depression has plagued the African-American culture for many years. Many people live in denial and many African-American males feel they have their pride and reputation to maintain. Within the African-American culture, seeking help would be a display of weakness. Largely, this is due to racism and the myths of being misunderstood and under diagnosed. We must break through the barriers of distrust. It is necessary that we educate therapists and mental health professionals regarding cross-cultural issues of treatment. We must realize that the African-American culture has a distrust of mental health services. It is imperative that we make an effort to help African-American people feel welcome and understood. We are in need of prevention and educational programs on issues relating to mental health. Treating depression requires the help of others. Friends and families are extremely important.

Susan Porter, MSW, LCSW Private practice 314-517-5644

What Gives You the Right?

Men and women are socialized from birth to adulthood by culture, race, ethnicity, income, etc. on our different roles and role set, most of the time without any specific instructions. So men and women join together bringing their own ideas of what they are supposed to be but are really unsure. This can and often does cause disaster. The following poem speaks to domestic violence, rape, incest and verbal abuse at the hands of men in a woman’s life. Anger is a constant companion and hope is undeniably the answer but anger pushes hope aside.

I have been told as long as I can remember that I am
supposed to be submissive to the man. I struggle to live
According to my socialization, but what rights do you have?
To violate my inner parts with your desires so uncontrolled,
Your dreams and visions so unfocused?

Do your rights allow you all forms of abuses
when you are socialized to protect me?

What rights do you have to lead me when
You don’t know where you are going?

What gives you the right to think that
the world is your domain?

And where does it tell you that my body is a
part of this acquisition?

Does this entitle you to verbally and physically abuse
me while I am still to believe that you love me?


Unfortunately, this poem echoes the sentiments of far too many women in our society. Fortunately, there are many who have never and may never experience such abuse and oppression. However, this excerpt is taken from a book is written for those of you who have or know someone who has. What type of family life do you think a union of this reality would create? I grew up hearing elders say, “don’t do as I do, do as I say.” As a parent, this is a very powerful statement and perhaps the best advice you could give at a given situation, but looking farther down the line, you may have youth who express the following sentiment:

I struggle hard every day to live according to these
socializations, but what rights do you have as adults and the
ones to lead me, to violate my trust, my childhood with your desires and dreams so uncontrolled and so unfocused.

What gives you the right my father, my brother, my lover, my friend!

What gives you the right?

Excerpt from the Performance, "Peace in the Midst of the Storm," (c) 1995, Dr. PJones, Jacksonville, NC

The Role According to Men

Just the other day, I was in a very deep conversation with a male co-worker who was giving me his opinion on the role of a man according to the Bible. Many African American men that I have had the privilege to discuss male and female issues with have alluded to the rights given to them by the Bible. I find this type of conversation disheartening because to disagree with this stand is akin to blasphemy because “God said it”. I find it very hard to understand how this particular “truth” from the Bible becomes many men’s mantra while other truths from the Bible are completely ignored. For example, domestic violence, sexual assault, inequities in pay, sexual harassment, rape to name a few. Many think that these problems are for the few and not the many, yet the statistics continue to escalate on the number of women who are assaulted each day.

Many churches do not take a stand against domestic violence and many of the maladies confronting women, yet women are to remain faithful to this institution and not hold it responsible for condoning the uses and misuses of them. It is even hard to talk to some women about these issues if they have not personally experienced them. You have to experience the domestic violence arena before you can fully become aware of the tentacles of power and control that make these problems become a major issue.

Traditionally men are socialized to lead and to expect women to follow and women are taught to follow their leadership. Women must be careful not to fall into the trap of following anyone who is headed into the blue yonder of despair.